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Human Design Academy By Ra Uru Hu: Part 12 - The Not-Self in Love - Strategies That Sabotage Relationships

Part 12: The Not-Self in Love - Strategies That Sabotage Relationships

Based on Ra Uru Hu’s “Understanding Our Design in Relationships” (1998)

“The not-self wants love. It will chase love, bargain for love, lie for love. But it will never find it.”
— Ra Uru Hu

What Is the Not-Self?

The Not-Self is the conditioned version of who you think you are.
It emerges from open centers, absorbing and amplifying what’s not yours.

In relationships, the Not-Self becomes the one who:

  • Tries to fix or change the partner

  • Sacrifices authenticity for acceptance

  • Creates drama, dependency, or avoidance

  • Confuses conditioning with chemistry

Ra didn’t sugarcoat it:

“Most relationships are not between two beings. They’re between two not-selves — each trying to survive.”

How Each Open Center Creates Relationship Sabotage

Let’s look at the 9 centers and how the Not-Self operates within them.

1. Open Head Center

Not-Self Strategy: Thinking about things that don’t matter.
In Love: Obsessing over what your partner thinks. Constantly trying to “figure out” the relationship.

“You’re trying to answer questions that aren’t yours. You’ll never stop worrying about the relationship if your mind runs it.”

2. Open Ajna Center

Not-Self Strategy: Pretending to be certain.
In Love: Trying to be “right” all the time, or to adopt your partner’s views.

“You’ll twist yourself into certainty just to keep the peace — and lose your truth in the process.”

3. Open Throat Center

Not-Self Strategy: Trying to attract attention.
In Love: Speaking for approval, changing your voice to match what your partner wants to hear.

“You perform love instead of living it. And your voice becomes a mask.”

4. Open G Center

Not-Self Strategy: Seeking direction and love from others.
In Love: Becoming whoever your partner wants you to be. Losing your own identity in the process.

“You’ll say: ‘Without them, I don’t know who I am.’ But you never knew who you were to begin with.”

5. Open Ego/Heart Center

Not-Self Strategy: Trying to prove yourself.
In Love: Over-giving, over-promising, desperate to show you’re worthy of love.

“The bargain is always: ‘If I do enough, maybe they’ll love me.’ But they never will — not if you don’t value yourself first.”

6. Open Solar Plexus

Not-Self Strategy: Avoiding confrontation and truth.
In Love: Hiding feelings, walking on eggshells, faking peace to avoid discomfort.

“No honesty. Just diplomacy. You’ll smile while dying inside.”

7. Open Sacral Center

Not-Self Strategy: Saying “yes” when you don’t have the energy.
In Love: Pushing beyond your limits to be sexual, supportive, or “on” for your partner.

“You’ll burn out chasing a life force that was never yours to begin with.”

8. Open Spleen Center

Not-Self Strategy: Holding on to what’s not good for you.
In Love: Staying in painful or toxic relationships out of fear of being alone.

“The body says ‘leave.’ But the fear says ‘stay.’ And so you stay — and die a little each day.”

9. Open Root Center

Not-Self Strategy: Always in a hurry to get things done.
In Love: Rushing into relationships, pushing for answers, trying to resolve tension too fast.

“You’ll want the love to ‘work’ now. But real connection takes time — not pressure.”

The Not-Self Agenda in Relationships

Every open center is trying to:

  • Get something it thinks it lacks

  • Avoid something it fears will hurt

But real love doesn’t come from these agendas.

The Not-Self says:

  • “If I can just make them happy, they’ll stay.”

  • “If I don’t rock the boat, I’ll be safe.”

  • “If I give more, they’ll give back.”

  • “If I change, they’ll love me.”

The True Self says:

  • “I am who I am.”

  • “I follow my Strategy and Authority.”

  • “I don’t chase love. I recognize it when it arrives.”

The Relationship Mask

Ra was clear:

“The not-self doesn’t love. It survives.”

In relationships, the not-self builds a mask:

  • Smiling when sad

  • Nodding when confused

  • Performing sex, affection, agreement

But it’s all a strategy to avoid rejection.

Ra called this “strategic love,” and warned:

“It looks like love, smells like love, but it’s fear in disguise.”

Freedom Through Awareness

The beauty of Human Design is not in avoiding pain — it’s in seeing the pain clearly, and no longer identifying with it.

  • You will still get conditioned

  • You will still feel attraction based on openness

  • You may still fall for the wrong person

But with awareness, you don’t have to follow the script.

Ra taught that relationships become real when:

  • You stop trying to be who you’re not

  • You stop trying to change your partner

  • You live your design and let the other be

Summary of Part 12:

  • The Not-Self is the conditioned voice inside you — not the real you

  • Every open center expresses a survival strategy in relationships

  • The Not-Self loves through fear, dependency, manipulation

  • Real love only happens when you live as yourself

  • Strategy and Authority are the only way to navigate love correctly

  • Freedom begins the moment you stop needing love to fix you


Human Design Academy By Ra Uru Hu Understanding Our Design in Relationships - 1998 - CD 1 - Track 12

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Human Design Academy By Ra Uru Hu:
Understanding Our Design in Relationships - 1998
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Part 1: Introduction to the Mechanics of Relationships in Human - Learn more

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Part 2: The Four Types and How They Relate Energetically - Learn more

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Part 3: Strategy & Authority — The Foundation of Correct Relationships - Learn more

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Part 4: Aura Mechanics: Openness, Resistance, and Bonding - Learn more

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Part 5: Conditioning and the Role of the Undefined Centers in Relationships - Learn more

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Part 6: The Dynamics of Definition and the Importance of Being You - Learn more

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Part 7: The Chemistry of Connection – Channels, Gates, and Attraction - Learn more
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Part 8: Compromise & Dominance – The Hidden Power Struggles in Connection - Learn more

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Part 9: The Four Types in Relationship – Generators, Projectors, Manifestors, Reflectors - Learn more

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Part 10: Open Centers in Relationships – The Source of Pain and Transformation - Learn more

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